Due Date

This week is my due date.  I was supposed to be having a baby on May 19th. Instead, on October 27th I underwent a D&C to remove the fetus that had stopped growing.  I was ten weeks pregnant when I went through one of the most difficult things in my life so far.  Losing a child, even an unborn child, even one you barely knew, is all kinds of torture.

We found out we were pregnant when I was five weeks along.  And immediately this pregnancy was different from Noah.  I was so sick already by 5 weeks, and sick in the afternoon/evening instead of the morning.  Everything appeared text-book with this pregnancy which was odd for me.  When I was pregnant with Noah I bled, a LOT, the first trimester.  I was constantly in fear that the bleeding was from a miscarriage, and I even spent my entire 4th of July 2009 in a hospital in San Diego because I had lost a large amount of blood.  The doctors couldn't explain it.  Each time I went in, they would run tests and do an ultrasound, preparing me for the worst.  But every time, little Noah was just fine in there.

Fast forward to Fall 2011, and a pregnancy that was just "normal".  I didn't experience any spotting or bleeding.  I had very little cramping or abdominal pain.  Just really bad morning sickness and some water retention and a developing belly.  So in October when we went in for our ultrasound, neither Eric and I were even remotely prepared for what would happen.  The ultrasound tech took a VERY long time to locate a heartbeat and in fact never did.  All the while I laid in the exam bed staring at the ceiling and praying to God.  This wasn't my first pregnancy, and I knew it shouldn't take so long to find a heart beat at almost 10 weeks.  The tech said she would send her findings to the doctor and that I should call and make an appt.  One loooooong day later, I went to see the doctor who confirmed that my bloodwork showed the baby's HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels were decreasing.  The baby was not developing and was dying.  One even looooonger week later, I was checking into the outpatient section of Sierra Vista hospital to have the fetus removed.  Unless you have experienced a miscarriage, I can't really put into words how it makes you feel.  It's sort of surreal when all of the nurses and medical staff keep asking you why you are there, and you have to repeatedly tell them "it's for a D&C." And poor Eric didn't really know how to feel either.  He was so great waiting at the hospital all day, and taking care of me the entire next day when the pain meds weren't helping so much, and the emotional weight of the experience really began to sink in.

That is really where this story should end.  But as all of you miscarriage sufferers know, you have to have a post-op appt with your OB after a D&C.  So I dutifully went to my appt two weeks later.  And that's when things got even more crappy.  (A little back story - I have what they call a bicornate uterus. I have known this for a while, but my doctors in Visalia never said much about it.  Essentially, my uterus is heart-shaped instead of being flat on the top, which creates almost two chambers in the uterus).  My OB informed me that while she was performing the D&C she was able to see my uterus better, and the bicornate uterus was a more exaggerated bicornate uterus than most.  She told me she reviewed the medical findings, and with a condition as exaggerated as mine is, there is an 85% chance of miscarriage.  Essentially, when the uterus splits into two cavities, the fetus cannot properly develop because it's space is limited.

I've always believed Noah was a little miracle, but on that day in November I realized just how much of a miracle he was.  There was only a 15% chance that he would be a healthy baby, and here he was, nearly two! I had a heavy heart that day, one which is getting lighter but still very broken.  Eric and I had not tried to get pregnant and we weren't even sure how we felt about having another child so close to the first.  But to be told that you likely wouldn't have any more children - you feel powerless over your own life choices. And here it is, the week I should have been giving birth to my second child. And I'm saddened anew.  I am sad for Noah and that he likely will never have a sibling to go through life with.  And I am saddened for myself that I will likely never hold my own newborn again.  I am sad when I see other people having children so easily. I'm not bitter, but I do wonder if they realize how lucky they are that something they take for granted isn't so easy for others.  But among all of this, I am trying to keep perspective and truly be grateful for the blessing that Noah has been.

I wanted to share my story because miscarriage is something that women don't talk a lot about, but it effects 1 in 5 pregnant women.  I'm no mathematician, but that has to be a LOT of women!  And yet, you hardly hear about it.  So maybe my sharing will help other women open up and share their struggles with miscarriage and infertility, instead of feeling shame and inadequacy, feel camaraderie and solidarity.  Maybe.