Broken Hallelujuh

This photo of Eric teaching Noah how to shave is one that I took a few weeks ago as part of my Project 52.  I am posting it out of sequence though, because it has come to mean so much more to me now.  

Earlier this week Eric was diagnosed with Stage 2 Papillary Thyroid Carcinoma. Cancer.

I have been wrestling with whether I wanted to be so "public" about this difficult trial in our life.  I discussed it with Eric: the pros and cons, his privacy, etc.  I still hadn't made up my mind.  And then, yesterday, I read this blog post.  It was shared on Facebook by one of my favorite authors Emily Giffin, and the author of the blog is her cousin.  This was her cousin's last blog post before she lost her battle with brain cancer, and went to be with Jesus.  I started reading all of her blog posts in reverse order.  I just kept hitting "Older posts", over and over, engulfing her words.  And I started to notice something.  Through all the obvious pain and sadness she was experiencing over the last year of her life, she constantly gave praise to God.  Each of her blog posts are peppered with scripture, the next one just as inspiring as it is sad.  And I realized that THIS is why I want to blog about what we are going through.

I want to give glory to God, and seek prayers for us at the same time.  Because God is always good, and I know that He has been taking care of us all along.  Leading up to this diagnosis, He set things in motion.  He knew that this week was coming.  He knew that it was going to be tough for us.  So 6 months ago He made a path for Eric to get a job back here in California, close to our families.  He knew that Eric was going to be in a lot of pain, be fatigued, be distracted and overwhelmed, so He led him down a path to a job that doesn't require so much travel and stress.  And even more I believe that He has been preparing me over the past 6 1/2 years of our marriage to be okay, even confident, about being a single mom sometimes, and having to carry a little more responsibility.  

I know that I can be sad.  I know that it is an appropriate human response to this kind of news.  I also know that God is in charge and I take comfort in knowing that He has us in the palm of his hands.  I know that these two things can exist at the same time: sadness and faith.  And I know that some days the sadness is going to be louder than the faith.  So that is where I need prayers.  If you are a praying person, and you are reading this blog post, if you wouldn't mind, please lift us up in your prayers. 

I have been listening to and finding comfort in the song by The Afters called "Broken Hallelujah" and though I had heard this song many times before this week, it only resonated with me when we got Eric's diagnosis.  It encompasses exactly how I feel, and I now realize what a broken hallelujah is.  Praising God in the midst of a trial like this is certainly challenging, but at the same time, there isn't a better time to praise God then when you have nothing else left but hope and faith.

"With nothing left to hold onto, I raise these empty hands to you, here's my broken hallelujah."